We start with some black and white footage of old-time wrestling,EXPLODING to the TNA opener. "NWA" in small letters, "TNA" in GIANTletters, and "Total Nonstop Action" underneath.
We hear the end of the countdown for the live audience cue (always apromising sign!) and here's the PYRO - we probably could have saved somemoney by not bothering with some of the more cheesy ones, but the rest ofit's pretty nice. They never say it but I will - LIVE from the von BraunCenter in Huntsvilla, AL 19.6.2, THIS is the debut of NWA TOTAL NONSTOPACTION! The ring announcer's PA is cut off from the beginning, but it'sup halfway through the opening welcome - as well as "Please welcome one ofyour hosts for the evening, Mr. DONWEST!" Wow, West sprung for aHawaiian shirt! "Thank you! Are you ready to have a good time?! We'remakin' history! Get ready for some Total Nonstop Action - and let meintroduce one of my cohorts at the announce table. The most influentialman in wrestlin' who ALWAYS has an opinion, ED FERRARA!" *Everybody*getsmusic and an entrance! Yikes! Check out those dreadlocks! Check out theLEATHER! "Is everybody ready for a little TNA? 'cause I know that that'swhat I'M all about, and I'm not necessarily talkin' about Total NonstopAction, I'm talkin' about T! N! A! And right now, let me throw over to myother cohort at the announce table, the one and only, the Professor ofVanilla, Mr. MIKETENAY!" At least *Tenay's* got a tux. "And helloeveryone, from ringside. I am Mike Tenay, welcoming you to the premiereevent of the NWATNA. It's all about Total Nonstop Action. Tonight, avery special evening. It's an evening that revolves around history - andhistory on so many fronts. Number one, we are going to be respectinghistory. The legends of the NWA are in attendance. People like HarleyRace, Dory Funk Jnr, and Ricky Steamboat. And gentlemen, we are alsogoing to be *making* history this evening - not only the first ever event,but we are also going to be crowning an NWA *World's* Heavyweight Championwith the Gauntlet for the Gold. If you'll give me just a second, I'll rundown the rules for the Gauntlet for the Gold. We will start off with twocompetitors in the ring. Every ninety seconds, another wrestler will comefrom the back. The only way that you can be eliminated is by being thrownOVER the top rope, and down to the arena floor. Once we reach the finaltwo competitors, NWA World Heavyweight Championship rules will apply. Itwill be one fall to a finish, with the winner by either pinfall orsubmission - and yes, Ed Ferrara, tonight we will make history by crowninga new NWA World's Heavyweight Champion." "And don't forget, Mike Tenay,this is my kind of match, because it's just like it is in real life - nofriends, no allies, every man for himself, only the strong survive, it'sDarwinism in action." Man I've missed Tenay's "hmm yes I see" face."Don West, it's great to be a part of history, it's great to have you andEd out here at the table - tonight, the new NWA World's HeavyweightChampion crowned with the winner of the Gauntlet for the Gold." "I tellya what though, guys, we got more history - we've got the legends from theNWA, so let's send it out there to Jeremy, and Jeremy, who do we got?"
In the ring is an underdressed JEREMYBORASH. "Ladies and gentlemen, atthis time as part of tonight's premiere broadcast of NWA Total NonstopAction, it is my pleasure to introduce to you some of the legends of theNational Wrestling Alliance. At this time, please allow me to introduceto you the former eight-time NWA Heavyweight Champion of the World,HANDSOME HARLEYRACE!" Here's a bit between Ferarra and Tenayjustfor you: "Is he wrestling tonight?" "Who?" "Harley Race." "NO he's notwrestling! He's here because he's a legend in this sport, and he's herebecause we *respect* the legends of the NWA and professional wrestling!""What d'you mean 'we,' kemo sabe? Hahahaha..." "He is a former NWA tagand world's champion, please welcome DORY FUNK JNR!" Funk wears a"www.dory-funk.com" cap to the ring - good on him for sneaking in thatself-promotion. "He is the original Fabulous One! Please welcomeJACKIEFARGO!" He's still strutting! "He was afirst-ballot Wrestling ObserverHall of Famer, Ed Ferrara!" "Wrestling Observer? What's that?""Wrestling Observer, it's a very famous newsletter in this business.""I'm hearin' ya but it's all pops and buzzes." I should point out the guyin the aisle with the OBSERVERLIVECHAT.COM sign, complete with Meltzer andAlvarez' heads pasted on it. "He is the father of one of the greatestwrestling families of all time, the fighting fireman from Marietta,'BULLET' BOBARMSTRONG!... They are the first couple of the NWA, CORSICAJOE & SARAH LEE!" They're now coming out with nospace between them andTenay can't read his notes. "He is a senior vice president of theNational Wrestling Alliance, please welcome Mr. BILL BEHRENS. He is aformer NWA World Champion. He is a former six-time NWA world tag championwith over six thousand matches spanning a spectacular twenty year career,please welcome RICKYSTEAMBOAT!"Steamboat carries the championship beltwith him to the ring. "Listen to this crowd!" Ummm.... Steamboat is thegroup spokesman. "Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, wrestling fans acrossthe world that are be gonna be watching this pay-per-view tonight.That's right. It gives me great pleasure to stand in this squared circle,and the many times that I was in this circle...and throughout my wrestlingcareer would someday be a world champion, and it did happen, on thatmemorable night with Ric Flair, the Nature Boy...Chicago, 1989 - andbecame an NWA World Champion. You know something, ladies and gentlemen -this belt, of all the championships I've won, and all these gentlemen thatstand here with me, this belt means more to me and to them than anychampionship I've ever held in my life - the NWA Championship. This belt,to us and in this business of wrestling, is like the Stanley Cup is tohockey players, it is like the Super Bowl to football, the World Series tobaseball players, winning Wimbledon for the tennis players - this is whatthis belt means to us in our sport - to be the NWA Heavyweight champion isthe ultimate goal! Yes. You know, ladies and gentlemen, tonight therehave been a selected twenty wrestlers through these NWA representatives,that are going to be going the Gauntlet for the Gold, and that's for thisbelt. And also through these good friends of mine, and some old foes,they have chosen me that when it comes down to the final two wrestlers,that I am going to be the special referee for this belt." Commentatorsare agog! But suddenly some music hits, and...JEDOUBLEF JADOUBLEREDOUBLETis out. "What the hell is Jeff Jarrett doing out here? Nobody invitedhim to this party!" "He's out here to get this party started, MikeTenay!" Don West: "..." "The Gauntlet for the Gold. Two guys are gonnastart, and there's gonna be a total walkin' down this aisle - that's thebiggest buncha crap I've ever heard in my life! Ricky Steamboat, did youwin the title in a stupid battle royal? Dory, did you win your title backin 1902 in a Battle Royal? Hell no, you didn't! This is the biggest jokeof an NWA title that I've ever witnessed. I win my titles man to man,Fargo, you butt out of it, you old fart." "You kiss my ass!"Commentators mark out over the first expletive - uttered by a 71 year oldman. "Listen to me. You won't whip nobody, boy. I remember when you wasthat high still doo-dooin' yella, I don't wanna hear about how you(struts) and how you try to - 'cause you don't do it like the Fabulous Onedoes, so don't give me that for all your mouth runnin' on that stage...I'mgonna do you another one tonight, Mr. Jarrett. I'm gonna put you on thevery first match and let you try to beat all twenty of them people." Tenaytranslates - he's #1 in the Gauntlet. "All right, all right, if I'vegotta step in the ring first, that's all right with me. Because what I'mgonna do is I'm gonna proceed to kick nineteen other asses, and I'm gonnawalk outta here the NEW NWA World Heavyweight Champion!" "Jeff, youmight...Jarrett you might be last, huh?" Fargo shouldn't try to talk overthe music - oh, look it's KENSHAMROCK'S SIDEBURNS! "Jeff - you're rightabout how this NWA title match is played out - it sucks." Damn, isEVERYBODY gonna bash the company they work for tonight? "But...you may bewhippin' eighteen other people's asses in that ring, but you ain'twhippin' number 19, and that's ME!" But the music starts up *again* - andfrom up in the crowd, SCOTTHALL makes *his* entrance - complete with"Landing Strip" T-shirt (hey Kev). "Hey yo. Jeff Jarrett, Ken Shamrock,I agree with ya about this battle royal for the belt - it sucks." Well,that's three for three. "But one thing's for sure, right here in TNA, weARE gonna do it tonight...so quit cryin' about it. And Jarrett andShamrock, I don't know if it's eighteen or nineteen people you gotta beatup - just focus on tryin' to beat up one....Scott Hall." "Well let metell you somethin', Hall - you can stick it, Shamrock you can stick it,all you old farts can, and Fargo, you're gonna regret this day as long asyou live."
We go to the back. "What's up, guys, this is GOLDILOCKS. And I knowthere's a lot going on out there, but we got the action right back here.You wanna talk about uh, TNA? I gotcher Total Nonstop Action right here,baby. With me...is the Original Midget Killer, PUPPET THE PSYCHO DWARF,and he's told me that he's got something that he wants to say!" "That'sright, let's start the show off with midgets! Why? 'cause midgets arethe true stars of this country! The day I came outta my momma, yeah, Isaid the day I came outta my momma - the nurses and the doctors juststopped and stared, when I was a little child, weeblewobblin' down thestreet, everybody stopped and stared, and now TNA brings me to Huntsville,Alabama and they got these two midgets out there, TEO and Hollywood? AllI wanna say is, I wanna see some major blood, and I just think I canprovide that." Somebody says "What's up with the TNA girls?" during this- then Jarrett interrupts by loudly kicking nearby furniture in his way -and STILL cursing Fargo.
The TNA GIRLSdance in cages (well, the one we can see does anyway) whileBorash starts introducing our opening bout (about DAMN time - it's already16 after! What is this, RAW?)
One fall, 20:00 time limit
A.J.STYLES & LOW KI & JERRY LYNN (641pounds) v. THE FLYING ELVIS IMPERSONATORS (Jorge Estrada & Sonny Siaki &Jimmy Yang - Memphis, Tennessee - 649 pounds)
referee: MARK "SLICK"JOHNSON
As team number one enters, we flashbackstage to examine thegathered legends standing around a monitor and looking pleased - man,can't they afford any chairs for those folks? I mean, they're OLD. Letthem sit! Shockingly enough, we take another look as the Flying Elvises(as Borash calls them) enter - they are less pleased. Nice sideburns onYang - I anticipate him fighting Shamrock in a sideburns match down theroad. Siaki, you'll recall, was described by this reporter once in aWorldwide report as "just like The Rock...except not." These sixcompetitors are part of the X Division, we are told - like a lightheavyweight or cruiserweight division, except without a weight limit -more of a style divison than a weight division. The Hands of Friendshipare offered, but the Elvises aren't interested...but when they turn theirbacks, the Elvises STRIKE! Ring the bell and bar the doors, Katie - wegot that Pier Sixer broken out already. Triple into the ropes, tripleduck, Lynn and Ki with dropkicks bookending Styles' Frankensteiner and theheels scatter. Lynn up on the top rope - Ki with a tope on Estrada!Lynn leaps over THAT pile with a plancha on Siaki! We got Styles and Yangleft in the ring - Styles puts him into the ropes - duck - leapfrog -powerslam - 1, no, 1, no. Chop. Next week, a tournament for the XChampion! Into the ropes, reveresed, Yang presses him up and lets himdrop. Nice snappy head scissors by Yang to follow up - hooks the leg - 2.Scooped up - but Styles shifts his weight and lands a forearm - then rollsto Lynn for a tag. Boot to the head by Lynn, Yang back up with a right -into the ropes, reversed, tilt-a-whirl by Lynn - press - 2. Europeanuppercut by Lynn - into the ropes is reversed, but Lynn gets the boot up.Second rope...tornado DDT lands but Yang breaks his fall with a headstandand bounces out - kick to the back of the head by Yang - into the corner,Yang walks up him on his way to the backflip - shoulder to the gut - and atag to Siaki. Right hand, into the ropes, reversal, head down, Siakidrops down for the uppercut. Standing somersault legdrop MISSES.Lynn with the gutshot, into the ropes, reversed, Lynn ducks, off theropes, spinning flying headscissors takedown! Lynn with another gutshot -into the ropes, reversed, Lynn with a bodyscissors into a bulldog - leg ishooked - 1, 2, no! Tag to Ki. Ki right, right, chop, right, into theropes, Siaki reverses and lands a Euro uppercut - off the ropes, spinningneckbreaker gets Siaki 2. DOWN COMES THE JUMPSUIT! Head to the buckleby Siaki, uppercut, opposite corner whip, boot up by Ki. Running kickmisses - gutshot by Siaki, setting him up, across the back and DOWN to hisknees with a backbreaker. 1, 2, Ki kicks out! Tag to Estrada, into theropes, Samoan Drop, Estrada leaps over with a split-legged moonsault andgets 2. Turnbuckle Championship Wrestling namedrop! Right, chop, chop,into the opposite corner, reversed, Estrada jumps up and over as Kicharges in. Forearm in the back, sets him up top, forearm, neckbreakerout. Estrada with an Elvis-like lip curl, then off the ropes with a NICEforward standing backflip press (think shooting star press, but from theapron) - hooks the leg, 1, 2, no! Gutshot, into the ropes, Ki slidesunder and dropkicks the knee. Ki with a kick, kick, winds up for aKICK...then collapses just far enough away to allow Estrada to tag Yangbefore he tags in Styles. Yang leaps and misses, Styles misses a kick,Yang gutshot, into the ropes, but Styles lands a flying jalapeno thatturns Yang inside out. Chop by Styles, into the ropes, reversed,quebrada misses but Styles lands on his feet behing Yang, then hits a SlopDrop. Leg is hooked - 1, 2, NO! Waistlock - German suplex attempted butYang lands on his feet. Yang with a NASTY viscerakick, 1, 2, Ki breaks itup. Ki with a forearm, into the ropes is reversed but Ki hooks the rope -Yang runs at him but Ki drops down, dumping him onto the apron -Ki rolls into a cartwheel kick (Tenay says Ki calls it the Tidal Crush,and I won't argue) and Yang hits the floor. Estrada comes in - block byKi, right, into the ropes, wants a Frankensteiner but Estrada countersinto a powerbomb. 1, 2, Lynn breaks it up. CRADLE PILEDRIVER BY LYNN!Siaki comes in - gutshot on Lynn, snap Overdrive. Must be thecavalcade of finishers - *Styles* in with a leaping enzuigiri. Yangswings but misses - Styles grabs a full nelson but Yang backs him into thecorner - Ki with a tumbling run but Yang is gone...and he hits Stylesinstead! Estrada with a missile dropkick off the top on Ki, and he chopblocks Johnson on his way out - stay out of the way, ref. Yang Time onStyles - 1, 2, 3. I'm as shocked as you are that both men were legal.(6:20)**1/2
The TNA Girls dance - replays cost MONEY. "Are we goin' to the ring now,me and Don?" "Nope."
Midget Match
HOLLYWOOD (already inthe ring - Memphis, TN - 4'2" - noweight announced) v. TEO (no hometown announced - 90pounds)
referee:SCOTTARMSTRONG
What, are they "saving" Puppet forNEXT week? TEO takes a little too long to jaw with the fans, soHollywood sneaks up from behind with a flurry of forearms, then righthands. Into the ropes, TEO ducks, crossbody/Frankensteiner/flub. Head tothe (middle) turnbuckle. Shirt over his head, TEO with a chop, chop,chop. WWA reference! TWO walks up Hollywood on his way to a springboardoff the top into a Vaderbomb-style headbutt to the nuts. Head to theadjacent turnbuckle. TEO climbs to the second rope and hits a Ten PunchCount Along - then humps his head. TIMMMMMBERRRRRRRR. Tenay telling astory of how Rey Misterio, Jr. was almost forced to compete as a mini whenhe started. Right by TEO, into the ropes is reversed, TEO up and over -but onto Hollywood's shoulder - over the shoulder sitout slam - 1, 2, no.Hollywood having issues with Armstrong - sneaky schoolboy by TEO for 2.Hollywood with a clothesline. Hollywood leaps from rope to rope untilhe's at the top - BIG SPLASH - 1, 2, NO!! Hollywood puts a forearm in theback, head to the buckle, into the ropes, no, reversed, TEO with a right,right, right, chop, side Russian legsweep - TEO outside and climbing tothe top - here comes a twisting splash, which completely misses, but Tenaytries to sell as a sentonbomb (well, "swantonbomb") - 1, 2, 3, well thereyou go I guess. (2:48)* Tenay says TEO stands for Total-EOutstanding,and it's funny that Jeremy Borash and Mark Madden had two chances to tellus that during WWA pay-per-views and never found the time - well, not"funny" so much as "testament to Tenay's play-by-play ability and I wonderwhy the WWE never hired him."
TNA Girls dance - Tenay plugs nwatna.com, which in my humble opinion is arather crappy site. Sorry.
Ferrara & West have made their way to the ring, so let's see them. "Yaknow, when we heard about something that was comin' up next week, wecouldn't believe it and we wanted to give ya a sneak peak. And I'mtalkin' about TNA - I'm talking about the lingerie BATTLE ROYAL. I knewyou'd like that! So, when we heard about this, we begged - no, wait, Donbegged, I demanded - that we give you a sneak peak tonight, and startbringin' out so that you can get a glimpse of the eyeful you're gonna getnext week, so let's without any further ado - Don, start bringin' 'emdown." "We're gonna start it off, we're gonna start it off - known in theECW as the Queen of Extreme, I'm talkin' about the beautifulFRANCINE!"Too bad she can't make it own the ramp in those shoes - they quickly movealong. "And the next lovely lady - she is the one, the onlyMISS JOANIE!""You knew her in the ECW as Daffney - I mean, the WCW as Daffney, come on- we bring you our own SHANNON!"Cute pink wig and magic wand! I shouldadd that whoever is directing this thing apparently doesn't know whichcamera shot goes with which woman. "And one of my personal favourites,one of the hottest names, one of the most talented wrestlers on the indycircuit, ALEXISMARIE!" "One of the former stars from the NCW,theincredible (SASHA?)!""She's a Baltimore Ravens cheerleader, give it upfor ERIN!""Another ECW superstar - the incomparable, the incredibleELEKTRA!" "Andhere's another familiar face - you are not gonna believewhat's about to come here, she is incredible - introducing MissTAYLORVAUGHN!" "And making her debut tonight, let'swelcome to NWATNA, TERESATYLER!" Wow, good to see they saved a big finishfor the last... ah. "Igotta tell ya, Don, I feel like a kid in a candy store." "And I know mywife is watchin', they're MAKING me do this, honey!" "Absolutely, this isgonna be one the greatest things we have ever seen." "They are all here -they are all here - and folks, these are the gals. The competitors thatnext week you are gonna see on the biggest catfight in television history!And only one of 'em can be named Miss T! N! A!" Francine steals West'smic. "Let me tell ya something, PUDGY - none of the women in this ringright now deserve to be in this ring - because none of 'em can compare tome. Let's face it, ladies...I'm the Queen of Extreme. I mean, really,what have any of you ever done for the wrestling business?" Shannon looksshocked and cute. Elektra grabs Ferrara's mic. "I'll tell ya. Numberone, who deemed YOU Queen of Extreme? I see there's many other ladies inthis ring, and you wanna know what? This is a new company. I don't hear'Extreme' in the title. Unless you're ashamed that you singlehandedly*bankrupted* another company." CATFIGHT CATFIGHT CATFIGHT ehh, maybe I'mnot the Real Man I thought I was but neither of these ladies really doanything for me. Francine manages to rip off Elektra's top, but lest weactually have to catch a glimpse of her bra, West helpfully puts Ferrara'sjacket (which had to be handed to him earlier, 'cause he forgot to bringit in with him) over her. "I'll tell ya what - what I just did to her,I'm gonna do to every one o' you - because not you, or any of the peopleat home, is gonna see my in MY lingerie because I am gonna be crowned thefirst-ever Miss T-N-A." Well, at least Don West looks like he's havingfun. HA HA MELTZER'S HEAD PASTED ON A SIGN
The NWA Girls - always in the cages, always dancing
Backstage, where Goldilocks stands with "Mortimer Plumtree - story of alife filled with torment - torment leading to pain - pain leading to will- will leading to power! Power, allowing me to bring MY tag team who, inour formative years, were my tormenters...now my servants. They do WHAT Itell them to do, when I tell them to do it. They wear what I tell themto, without questioning, for they know that they owe ME theirfreedom...their livelihoods...their very lives. They don't speak unless Iallow them to - they listen only to me, and now I call upon them to onceand for all, make their presence known in this arena - when writing thehistory books of this sport, I give to you MY tag team - (chuckles) - theJohnsons."
THE JOHNSONS (Richard and Rod - 632pounds - led to the ring by MortimerPlumtree) v. PSICOSIS (Mexico City, Mexico) & COWBOY JAMES STORM(Franklin, TN) (507 pounds)
referee: Johnson
Plumtree is a sweater vest Harvard grad. AT LAST, a fresh gimmick! TheJohnsons are two guys in flesh(?) coloured full body suits and masks.Storm has the Smoking Gunns' old pistols and shoots 'em off. Psicosis isNicho, a millionaire slumming in America, but you knew that. No idea howto tell the Johnsons apart - Psicosis starts on the other side -lockup, to the corner, forearmby Johnson, into the opposite corner, avalanche, butterfly suplex out.Cover - 2. Snap suplex - 1, out at 2. Into the ropes, Psicosis ducks,ducks again, viscerakick by Psicosis, ducks a clothesline from the otherJohnson, kick caught, enzuigiri lands, makes the tag. Johnson #2 into theropes, up and over Psicosis and into a missile dropkick from Storm.Johnson #1 into the ropes, but he hooks the ropes and pulls himselfoutside. We take a look outside to see ALICIA (nee Symphony, neeRyanShamrock) standing and looking interested - and I don't mean in Meltzer'shead pasted on a sign! Back to the ring, where West says Plumtree was"just GIVING it to the Johnsons." Storm and a Johnson. Lockup, knee byJohnson, forearm in the back, arm wringer, pulls him over. Camera lingerson Slick Johnson (presumably no relation) giving Alicia a good hard look.Storm tossed out - no, skins the cat, right, right, into the ropes,reversed, body scissors by Storm, into a bulldog - tag to Psicosis -dropkick off the ropes, chop, chop, into the ropes, reversed, theother Johnson brings him down from behind. All four men in and let's lookat Alicia again - into the ropes, double flapjack on Psicosis. Johnsonwith a forearm in the back, right hand, into the opposite corner, back tothe first corner, "I'm not gonna say he's getting POUNDED by Johnson,"head-and-arm Tazzplex. Tag between the Johnsons. Into the ropes, doubleshoulderblock. Look at Alicia! Look at the guy behind her! Powerbomb -but YOU CAN'T POWERBOMB PSICOSIS!! Psicosis making the slow crawl - tagson both side - Storm with "Iblockyourpunchyoudon'tblockmine," again withthe other Johnson, back to 1, back to 2, ducks, off the ropes,Frankensteiner on 1, right hand on 2, right, motioning to Psicosis -double whip is double reversed and Storm and Psicosis collide in thecentre. Double head-and-arm Tazzplexes. One Johnson goes outside to takeit to Psicosis as inside the ring, the other Johnson whips Storm into theropes, across the back - Storm back down, rollup out of the corner, 1,no. Storm to the second rope - gutshot - wants a tornado DDT but he'stossed instead. Storm ducks a clothesline - off the ropes, Plumtreeankles him, distracting him just enough for Ferrara to call the finish inadvance - across the back, into a Diamond Cutter - hooks the leg - 1, 2,3. (4:52)** Plumtree sends Slick out so HE can raise thearms of his team- camera follows him to an encounter with Alicia - Johnson takes a wad ofcash out of his pocket and forks it over, then walks off. Commentatorsmake a lot of noise about this.
Backstage, Goldilocks encounters the Dupps - they're brothers AND cousins!They walk to the locker room, where they meet their girlfriend (ANDcousin) - also, there's a metal tub filled with ice and Schlitz. Someother guy walks by. "Oh, hey hey, guys guys guys guys guys - I'm sorry,no, no beer drinking here in the locker room, I need you to put thosethings down. We don't want any intoxicated wrestlers out in our ring, sojust put those things down right now. Thank you!" Make your own jokes,folks! The girl says "Gee, there are sure some wussies here in the NWA!""Hey Bo, whoever heard o' getting drunk on beer?"
Back to the ring, and Jeremy Borash. "Ladies and gentlemen, at this time,it is my pleasure to introduce to you the 1993 Busch series rookie of theyear HERMIESADLER,and the current NASCAR Winston Cup points leader,STERLINGMARLIN!"Tenay says Marlin is the NASCAR equivalent of the NWAWorld's Heavyweight Champion - arrr. "Sterling, right now you're standingon top of the mountain in the Winston Cup points series - you're theleader - you got a race this Sunday." "Yeah, we're lookin' forward togoin' out to Sonoma, California - went to Virginia a couple weeks ago, hada good road course test, so we're anxious to get out to California.""And certainly, standin' on top of the mountain right now as the WinstonCup points leader, a lot of pressure." "Yeah, a little bit, I mean we gotabout a hundred point lead and uh, hopefully we'll just keep racin' hardand try to get us some more wins, more top fives and try to win thischampionship." "All right. Hermie--" "Stop everything!" Hey it'sKKRUSH (nee K-Kwik, nee K Krush) come to save usfrom this non-wrestlingstuff! "You know what - I am SICK to my stomach! I'm sick and tired ofhearing about some damn racecar drivers!" Thank you! "This isprofessional wrestling. You guys call yourselves athletes? You got nodamn business inside of a professional wrestling ring. Shut up! I am aathlete! You're looking at a athlete! MY KIND are athletes! YOUR KINDdrive a car around a circle in a left motion continuously. MY KIND - wethrow basketballs, we throw touchdowns, we run for touchdowns, we do armdrops, we do leg drops, my GRANDMOMMA can do what you do." Sadler takesBorash's mic - oh man, this accent won't help the vibe I'm pickin' up any."Why don't you shut up just one second? I heard about all I wanna hear.How do you expect anybody here to take you serious, lookin' like you look- you look like a real athlete. Apparently you don't know just who weare. But, there are lots of NASCAR fans in Huntsville, Alabama--"Tenay: "TESTIFY!" "--and they KNOW we're athletes!" "You knowwhat...damn you, and damn Alabama! I'm gonna introduce you toprofessional wrestling." Off comes the shirt - two handfuls of Sadler -but now BRIANCHRISTOPHER (who Ferrara keeps calling "BrianLawler" forsome reason) is out to make the save. Taps on his shoulder - spins himround, right, right, right, into the ropes, press and atomic drop -superkick - and now Sadler and Marlin toss Krush over the top rope to thefloor! Krush ain't happy. "Yo yo yo yo yo yo yo - K Krush - listen upyou motherfa - mofo! You wanna come down here and pick on these guys?Well I tell you what: why don't YOUR KIND come down and pick on MY KINDright here, right now, how 'bout it Huntsville? That's what I'm talkin'about. I'll tell you what, listen. Me...and you - I'm challenging you.The G-Master wants you in the ring next week, and I'll have my friendsSterling - gimme some, dawg - and Hermie - gimme some, dawg - riding in mycorner." While TNASECURITY holds back Krush, he says he got it.Yes,fans - next week, we will find out JUST WHICH RACE IS BEST ohhhhhh. ANdnow Christopher and the racecar drivers are gonna DANCE...no, wait,they're not. Never mind.
Instead, we watch the TNA Girls dance.
Backstage, Jarrett's got Fargo in a throttle until refs and security breakit up.
CHRISTIAN YORK & JOEY MATTHEWS (Virgian- "2 - rather," 454 pounds) v. THEDUPPS (Stan & Bo - 462 pounds - with Fluff)
referee: Armstrong
TheDupps you may have seen in ECW - well, not THESE Dupps, but some otherones or - ah, hell, seen one hillbilly you've seen 'em all, right? York &Matthews you've probably also seen in ECW although they had a cup ofcoffee elsewhere as well. Doubleteam by the Dupps from behind and York'sout, doubleteam stomp on Matthews - into the ropes, double flapjack.Into the ropes, duck, York with a springboard split-legged doubledropkick! Right hand to - which one is it? - Stan? Okay. Right, right,tag, into the ropes, reversed, duck, Matthews and York with a doublesuplex - 1, 2, Stan kicks out. Right by Matthews, right, Stan ducks thenext swing and locks in a full nelson into a uranage. Tag to Bo - slapsthe chest, slap, right. Matthews gutshot, right, right, into the ropesisn't happening - Bo pulls him into the ropes, Matthews ducks, but runsinto a big boot. Standing frog splash gets 2. Tag to Stan. Forearm inthe back by Dupp - right, right, into the opposite corner, gutshot, offthe ropes with a swinging - nope, Matthews hooks both arms - Matthewsducks a swing and hits a neckbreaker Tenay says he calls the VirginiaNecktie. Tag to both sides - York ducks, York with a big clothesline onBo - right for Stan - right - Bo with forearms in the back, into theropes, York tries a sunset flip, nope, slips out as Bo tries the buttdrop.Climbs the corner, right, right, back kick for Stan before he can make asave (oops, no-selling a forearm in the back in the process), right,right, back elbow on Stan, fireman's carry into a slam - senton - 1, 2,elbowdrop by Stan to break it up. Forearm by Stan - into the ropes,York hooks the rope as Matthews looks to be ready to fly back in - kick byYork, Matthews with a crossbody that takes himself and Stan out of thering - back to York and Bo - York with a tornado DDT - poses to the crowd- climbs up top - and has to stay there for WAY too long so Fluff canclimb up and crotch him - of course, Armstrong is intent on watching Stanand Matthews fight on the outside until Bo pulls on the tights in apinning predicament on York - 1, 2, 3. (3:41) *1/2
Here's a clip from the Toby Keith video "How Do You Like Me Now" - thevideo that launched a thousand catchphrases... well.... one. This isn'twrestling either. You know, I'm starting to get the vibe that this showisn't really geared for a laid back Californian like myself...I don'tknow.
"Wrestling fans, at this time it is my honour to present to you, to singthe hottest song in the country, 'The Angry American,' CMA Male Vocalistof the year, Dreamworks recording artist TOBY KEITH!"
"Howdy!" He's playing his guitar but it isn't mic'd - oh, wait, therethey go. Is this REALLY the hottest song in the country? I mean, I LOVEAmerica, but *this*.... eh. Crowd eats this up, which again makes methink about that "Californian" thing. Wait...I think I'm catching thefever!! BOOT IN YOUR ASS YEAH YEAH USA USA USA USA Unfortunately - orfortunately - JEDOUBLEFJADOUBLEREDOUBLET is back out, shoving Keith andkicking down his microphone stand before he can finish his song. "HeyToby Keith! Nobody wants to hear you, nobody wants to hear you sing,nobody wants to hear that damn song, so take your angry American ass rightoutta here! No it's time to get the main event goin'. You haul your assstraight outta here, I've got a world title to win. So beat it, pal!Hey Toby...I just got a few words for you, and everybody in this buildin'.How do you like ME now?"
"Ladies and gentlemen, at this time, it is time for your NWA Total NonstopAction main event of the evening! It is a twenty man Gauntlet for theGold for the NWA Heavyweight Championship of the world. One man willenter - another man will enter every ninety seconds later until there aretwo men left in the ring." That's as far as Borash gets -BUFF DADDYBAGWELL hits the ring and without an opening bell,it's on:
NWA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP:GAUNTLET FOR THE GOLD
We get the "90" in the corner as Bagwell ducks, right, right, into theropes, gutshot, pose, off the ropes with a swinging neckbreaker. Bagwellstokes the crowd. Right, into the ropes, reversed, hiptoss blocked,clothesline by Bagwell, going into the strut - tosses Jarrett but he landson the apron and gets back in. Head to the turnbuckle, again, into theopposite corner is reversed by Jarrett - elbow up by Bagwell on the charge- Buff Blockbuster! Another pose by Bagwell - runs at Jarrett, who ducksand dumps him over the top to the floor. (1:05)
They go ahead and reset the corner clock to 90...and here comes #3,LASHLeROUX - hey, he's been eatin' well. Stomp byJarrett, stomp, stomp,right, through the ropes and outside - Jarrett follows. Hard into thebarricade at ringside. Throated on the rail. Back to the apron and backin - kick by Jarrett, the Stroke, picks him up and runs him outside.(2:29)
They reset the clock again. #4 is SCREAMIN' BLACK MAGIC NORMANSMILEY.He's opted for powder blue tonight. Jarrett with a stomp. Right, intothe ropes, reversal by Smiley, up and over, puts up a hand to halt Jarrettin his tracks, then starts wiggling. So Jarrett clotheslines him down.Head to the buckle by Jarrett. Into the ropes, revesed, scoop - swoop -and a slam by Smiley. Is he gonna do it in da butt and smack his bitchup? No, Jarrett's trick knee acts up, halting him in his tracks. TheStroke. And out goes Smiley. (4:04) Wow, this is a big ol'wankfestfor Jeff, isn't it? Geez, I hope they don't do this ALL match...
#5 is APOLO(IWA's Gran Apolo says The Cubs Fan - thanks). Jarrett with aforearm in the back, forearm, forearm, into the ropes is reversed into arydeenbomb by Apolo. Clothesline by Apolo, clothesline. Into the ropes,reversed by Jarrett, hip toss blocked, into a neckbreaker by Apolo. Overthe ropes - but he lands on the apron. Stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, pulledback in - but only through the ropes this time. Stomp, stomp, stomp,stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp. Stomp. I think I got 'em all. Head to thebuckle. Looks like we'll make it the full ninety...Apolo presses Jarretthigh, but holds him FOREVER, waiting for the next man to save Jarrett...
Sure enough, #6 is KKRUSH and the first thing he does is forearm Apolointhe back - unfortunately, he'd already dropped Jarrett anyway. Oh well.Krush with a right, right, right, into the ropes, reversal, Krush ducks,gutshot, off the ropes with an axe kick. Krush stomp, stomp, stomp,stomp. Jarrett content to take a powder in the corner. Whip into theropes is reversed, clothesline by Apolo. Jarrett from behind on Apolo.To the corner, "how do you like ME now?" Ten punch count along. Krushtakes Jarrett's place. "I WANT SOME!" HE gets ten punches on Apolo.Jarrett and Krush try to put Apolo over but he hooks the top rope. Theclock is done...double into the ropes, duck, double clothesline byApolo...
#7 is led to the ring by MINISTER JAMESMITCHELL - it's SLASH (Wolfie D ina previous life) - Slash goes for Apolo, who ducks - right, right, intothe ropes, reversed, hip toss blocked, clothesline by Apolo. Into theropes, back body drop by Apolo. Slash into the ropes, DDT. Head to thebuckle - finally Jarrett is over, block, right, right by Slash, right byApolo. Krush from behind - shoved back. Slash pressed by Apolo - Jarrettsaves. Jarrett with a suplex on Apolo. Slash drops the elbow, elbow,elbow. Jarrett stomps.
#8 is DEL RIOS- all dressed up like Scott Steiner, bleached facial hair,Superman "S" on his ass. Right by Jarrett, right by Rios, goes for Slashbut Krush has him from behind. Well, it's just about time to stop callingblow by blow. Ferrara: "He's got a familiar look, I just can't place it."Rios wants a belly-to-belly suplex on Slash, but Slash opts for the biteto prevent that. Apolo fiercely holds onto the ropes in the typical RoyalRumble spot. Rios DOES get the belly-to-belly on Slash. It'll be six menin the ring...
#9 is JUSTICE.A former NWA Wildside champion! Apolo sent into the ring,and he gives him a big boot. Jarrett wants some - HE gets a big boot.Rios gets a...wait for it...big boot. Justice may want to considertossing people - spinning sidewalk slam on Rios instead. Jarrett tossesApolo - but he lands on the apron. Jarrett and Slash kick at him but heain't leaving yet, apparently.
#10 is - ah ya ya, it's KONNAN.Konnan goes straight for Jarrett -rolling clothesline for Jarrett, for Slash, for Rios - repetition getsmoves over, I guess. Justice gets one, but he doesn't leave his feet.Facebuster DOES take him down, though. Slash manages to turn it aroundand take control on Konnan. Tenay, on Mitchell: "That is one sinisterlooking individual."
#11 is.. "Well, well, well..." JOELGERTNER? "I've chased anything in askirt / and I get right up in that dress / I'm gonna be with five girls inHuntsville / 'cause I don't settle for less / I'm gonna tear up the hotelroom / and make the bedsheets a mess / But first, I got some business /with the Rainbow Express / So while all you girls are thinkin' / aboutdrinkin' jug of joy juice / let me introduce, and all your clowns get yourasses ready / for the man they call BRUCE." Bruce (nee theFunkster,Kwee-Wee, Angry Allan Funk) is accompanied by LENNY (lane) - Bruce hitsthe ring and starts...well, not much, really. Do you get the feeling thatthe ring is just filling up with cannon fodder for whoever gets the Dieselpush? Wow, that poem took up a lot of the ninety...
#12 is RICK WOOFWOOF. Steinerline for you, Steinerline for you,Steinerline for you, Steinerline for you, remember what I said aboutrepetition? Slash is tossed out. (16:33) Justice sends Steinerinto theropes - Steiner ducks - there's a (sorta) back body drop by Steiner.And now Justice is out. (16:50)Geez, they're giving the Diesel push toSTEINER? Another semi-backdrop, semi-crippling by Steiner on Jarrett.Everybody's paired up again and the clock's run down again...
#13 is MALICE(The Wall), another of Mitchell's "Disciples of the NewChurch." The number is probably a coincidence - chokeslam for Del Rios,chokeslam for Bruce, chokeslam for Konnan, rep-e-ti-tion. K Krush gets achokeslam. Bruce tossed (18:10), K Krush tossed(18:16), Riostossed(18:21), andnow Konnan is tossed (18:31). Yikes. Finally,Rick Steiner,presumably unhappy that Malice just doubled his elimination count, goes towork with forearms to the back and kicks. Steiner winds up - oh, no,Malice lowers the bridge and Steiner is eliminated. (18:46) Jarrett andMalice toss Apolo, but he skins the cat...
#14 is CLEAN &SOBER. Apolo is inexplicably perched on the topturnbuckle. Hall has opted for "KLIQ" trunks tonight. Hall ducksJarrett's swing, right hand connects, right for Malice, right, right forJarrett, forearm for Malice, Apolo finally comes off with a weak forearmbut Malice leaves his feet for it. Hall with rights on Jarrett. Apolointo the ropes, ducks Malice, superkicks Malice! Head to the buckle -back to Hall - Jarrett into the ropes, gutshot, sets up for the Edge (wow,he really should toss him instead of dropping him to the canvas), dropshim to the canvas with the Edge (damn) - Hall from behind on Malice, butleaves him to work on Apolo, signalling to the outside instead...
#15 is...well, it isn't TOBYKEITH but that's who walks out. Keith grabsJarrett, who Hall left for him - up for the suplex - the HALF HOUR SUPLEX,even! Keith tells Hall to take care of it - and together, they tossJarrett to the floor. TAKE THAT, OSAMA BIN LADEN! (21:20) Keith leaves the ringas Hall starts onMalice. Malice starts to come back but Apolo strikes from behind. Isthere an alliance forming? They take turns seeing who can chop Malicelouder - and there's a Hand of Friendship!
#15 *really* is "WILDCAT" CHRISHARRIS.His big move is an Austin Presson Apolo. Before another ten seconds have elapsed, they finally figureout they're a man behind so they send out
#16 is VAMPIREWARRIOR. The ring is again filling up - will theytry another super-push?
#17 is DANGEROUS DEVONSTORM. He psychs himself up on the ramp, thenrunsto the ring and tries very hard to connect with every single person in thering as quickly as possible. Mitchell whispers in Malice's ear whileCrowbar gives the Mind Bender to Harris. Storm chopping away on Harris -switch in the ring so *Harris* can chop away. Hall stands back andwatches. Now taking a seat on the top turnbuckle. Nothing much else toreport...
#18 is STEVECORINO,"the only former NWA World's Champion entered in theGauntlet." Corino goes for Storm, then ducks his punch so Vampire Warriorcan take it - they go at it until Corino breaks it up with a blind doubleclohtesline. Atomic drop for Harris. "Ohtanikick" says Tenay - on Harris- didn't look like it connected at all, but at this point, who's counting.Malice is almost tossed, but Mitchell shoves him back in.
#19 is KENSHAMROCK.Corino stands ready to take him on - gutshot, kickin the head puts him down. Kick for Storm, forearm for Vampire Warrior,right for Hall, powerslam for Harris, jumping high knee for Malice - buthe stays on his feet - Shamrock tries again, but Malice catches him anddrops him. That's it for THAT flurry...where's the clock again?
#20 and the final entrant is BRIANCHRISTOPHER. Again, Cornio is thefirst man to take blows from the new entrant. The clock runs even thoughthere's no one left...ah, they took it away. Christopher dumps Harris(29:12), ducksa charging Storm to put HIM out (29:17) and then dumpsVampire Warrior (29:19)- Corino laying in wait - right, right, right,right, right, right by Christopher, right, right, ducks a clothesline byCorino, then clotheslines him out. (29:45) They're giving aDieselpush to Christopher...well, maybe not, as Malice gives ChristopherahhhhhTHECHOKESLAAAAAM and he's down and out. Hall, Apolo and Shamrockall regard Malice in uneasy fashion - but then Shamrock decides to kickChristopher while he's down instead. Christopher tossed with no problem.(30:19) Apoloand Hall go for Malice - into the ropes - double chokeslam- no, they punch out of the attempt - Apolo runs at Malice - dummy -Malice dumps him. (30:39)Hall with a right, Shamrock standing back.Gutshot - wants the Edge, but Malice backdrops him out of the ring,instead. (30:56)And now we're down to two. RICKYSTEAMBOAT hits thering.
No time limit
KEN SHAMROCK v.MALICE (with Reverend James Mitchell)for the NWA World Heavyweight Championship
referee: RickySteamboat
Shamrock runs right into a big boot and goes down. Malicestomps on the head - Shamrock right, right, right, Malice rakes the eyes.Into the ropes, sidewalk slam by Malice - 1, 2, no. Vertical suplex byMalice. 1, 2, Shamrock kicks out. Head to the buckle by Malice. Intothe ropes, head down, Shamrock tries a sunset flip - no - right hand byMalice. Malice grabs Shamrock - series of uppercuts by Shamrock - Malicegoes to the face again. Into the ropes, Shamrock ducks, Malice grabs himin the choke - up - but Shamrock grabs a cross armbreaker at the apex ofthe chokeslam!! Steamboat checks in but Malice hasn't give up yet.Shamrock pulls back - crowd chanting "Shamrock" but Malice gets the rope.Malice with a gutshot, right hand, tries to shake it off, gutshot,headbutt, shakes the arm again, then slaps him with the hurt arm (ohwell). Into the ropes, Shamrock ducks, catches the bigboot and twists itinto the anklelock!! Malice still on his arms - no, down to an elbow.Steamboat checking for a tap - Malice reaches -and AGAIN reaches the rope!Wow, they've pissed on not one but TWO submission holds this match!Shamrock calmly pulls Malice away and keeps the hold one. Why, he's a nogood lousy cheater! Again, Malice slowly crawls to the ropes...and doesgrab it. But again, Shamrock refuses to release it. Steamboat puts onthe five count - and gets to SEVEN before Shamrock lets go. Umm, that's aDQ, isn't it? I guess Steamboat didn't want to award the title on adisqualification in this match. Shamrock with a shove! Heated discussionensues. STEAMBOAT POINTED TO HIS PATCH!! Mitchell tries to bring Maliceback on track - Shamrock runs at Malice, kicking the back of the good leg.Choke on the top rope. "Let's go Shamrock" chant despite the fact thatthey're both acting pretty heelish here. Into the opposite corner -Shamrock runs RIGHT into the boot. Malice with the choke (!) but Shamrockmanages to strike away the arm, grab a waistlock and hit a belly-to-bellysuplex - 1, 2, 3! f*ck you, Shane Douglas! (5:47 - 37:34 total)**1/2Cue the pyro! Shamrock holds the belt high and takes the corner pose.Hey I think he's actually SMILING! BILL BEHRENS hits the ringfora handshake - looks like all the LEGENDS are gathering round.Ferraramistakenly says "The Wall" and the lawyers are on the phone, but at leasthe recovers by cracking an (always in season) Special Olympics joke.
Backstage, Jeff Jarrett is making sure he gets another segment - also,Security holds back Jackie Fargo AND Toby Keith! Whoops, Fargo just said"Now we get ready to go out there" but we're still watching them
Back to our commentators...until
JEDOUBLEFJADOUBLEREDOUBLETis back out again. "Wait a minute, that's thebiggest buncha crap I've ever heard in my entire life. You mean to tellme that the World title is gonna be decided by a Gauntlet for the Goldmatch?" Wait, are we FINALLY getting a replay tonight? Oh...nope."Dory Funk, let me ask you: did you ever win a title in a battle royal?Did you? Harley, did you ever win one of your titles in a damn battleroyal? It's a damn joke out here, Bullet, and you know it. All o' y'allknow it. How in the world can a World title can a World title be decidedin a battle royal?" RIGHT HAND to "Bullet" Bob Armstrong and he *flies*across the commentary table, ending up in Tenay's lap! "It's the biggestjoke I've ever seen in my entire life." Tenay: "DAMN YOU, JARRETT!""The World title is decided by a Battle Royal. What the hell kinda NW--"Jarrett stops short as he's caught sight of JACKIE FARGO, TOBY KEITH andTNA SECURITY heading out to ringside.Borash passes Fargo a mic. "Fargo- whoa whoa whoa!" "Let me tell you something, you punk - you no good,dirty rotten lowdown fourteen carat son of a, son of a--" "Yeah, well youknow what?" "Listen to me - I've been out of the wrestling business formany years, he's a country music singer, but I'll tell ya what I'll do,pally, I got somebody that'll whip your ass next week." "We ain't gottawait for next week, let's get it on right now!" "Scott Hall! Scott Hall!Scott Hall!" "We ain't gotta wait - you want some o' me?" Jarrett goesfor Hall - right, right, right by Hall, right by Jarretty, and thiscontinues until TNA Security pull them apart long enough for us to glimpsethe "TNA: Total Nonstop Action (C) 2002 J Sports Entertainment" notice -Tenay manages to blurt out that Hall/Jarrett will be next week...
...and we're out.
Hey guys, "Thunder" is back. Do YOU want to pay $9.95 to watch it?
Soooooooooo much talking. I mean, what wrestling there WAS was okay, butnothing really tickled me. Commentary was a washout - I hope they didn'tpay Don West too much (and they probably didn't) but Tenay was pretty damngood. Hall/Jarrett will probably be a good match, but it'll probably behard for me to keep from making comparisons to the GREAT matches they hadin 1994-5 for the WWF intercontinental title - and man, that's SEVEN YEARSAGO. And I like K Krush, but surely they don't have to get all doubleentendrely with the racism crap to get people interested in him, do they?Doggone it, given the big T&A; soundalike factor, a lot of those women sureseemed rather unappealing. Finally, it sure looked like they reallywanted to have their mainline feud be Jeff Jarrett...and a 71 year oldman. Aren't there ENOUGH old folks at the top of the card elsewhere inthe sport?
Still, I will give credit to Jeff Jarrett for one thing - he didn't say"slapnuts" once.
I promise you I'll do a whole lot less transcription next week. See youlater!
E-MAIL CRZ
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